Why?

I am not a parent T-bar, but I have to agree with you 100%

Bigkap- Can I copy this and post it after everything I write?

T-Bar no offense, but do you remember being a teenager? I didn't want to be caught dead with my parents. I never disrespected them. I did well in school and had a job, played numerous sports. I was only home to sleep, study and eat.

T bar.....I know kids my son's age who are the most wonderfully stable, happy boys...and have divorced parents...and are living w/ their mom......

You can have 2 parents...always there.....and still fuck up your kids....why? cause you don't have 2 parent's working together...w/ the same beliefs and ideals in raising children....

Doesn't matter....1 parent family, 2 parent family......it happens...hopefully they eventually reach an age when they realize the importance of their parents....and come to appreciate you.....hopefully they grow up to become good people....

*smile*

Cutie

See I disagree Cutie, but because the facts prove otherwise in a majority of cases. I'm sure there are a few exceptions and yours could be one of them, but the facts speak for themselves for the rest of the people out there.

I do remember being a teenager. I do remember not wanting to be with my parents. But I also remember that they were ALWAYS there if I needed them. Not off at a class or busy doing something else. It used to be that moms were right behind their kids even though the kid didn't know it. She was home making dinner or doing something for us kids all the time. We were her number one concern and there was no number 2, 3, or 4 for her. Now-a-days moms say their kids are their number one priority, but lets face it. They aren't in a majority of cases or you wouldn't have these very real facts.

Eighty-five percent of prisoners, 78% of high school dropouts, 82% of teenage girls who become pregnant, the majority of drug and alcohol abusers-all come from single-mother-headed households.

How can you be a single mom and do what our moms used to do? You simply can't do it unless you've got a bunch of alimony and child support coming your way. I'm sure not saying this to be mean. I just think facts should be faced even if it means you can't feel good about yourself going to school right now.

It's simply another way people in our country have of not taking responsibility for their actions. It's never "my" fault.

Just one more point. I know it "can" happen Cutie. Kids 'can' get screwed up in a two parent family. And kids 'can' come out fine in a one parent family. If you reread my post you'll see it wasn't about those 1 or 2%, it was about the 78 -85%.

Originally posted by T-Bar
Eighty-five percent of prisoners, 78% of high school dropouts, 82% of teenage girls who become pregnant, the majority of drug and alcohol abusers-all come from single-mother-headed households.

Yes, kids in single mom households do tend to have more problems. Of course, how many of those problems are due to the asshole that donated the sperm to create them. The above statistics are just as much of an indictment of the father as they are of the mother. In fact, it is likely that they are more so. Actually, let me give you some more statistics.

Statistics showing the effect the ABSENCE of a father has on the nearly 22% of American children in fatherless households:

63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)

90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)

80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)

71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)

75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes (Source: Rainbows for all God`s Children.)

70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)

85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)

These statistics translate to mean that children from a fatherless home are:

5 times more likely to commit suicide.
32 times more likely to run away.
20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders.
14 times more likely to commit rape: This applies to boys of course.
9 times more likely to drop out of high school.
10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances.
9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution.
20 times more like to end up in prison.

Okay, statistics do lie. If you don't believe me, ask a statistician. I can use the same stats to prove opposing sides of most any discussion. It is all in how you treat the data. If we were to reduce the sample to only those children raised by divorced mothers, with jobs, that did not have felony arrests in their records, then how would those kids compare to kids from similar two parent households? What about if we exclude the kids who already had these problems prior to the break up of a marriage? How do these figures compare to children raised by a single male? Does custody by a male parent lessen the risks of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, prison, pregnancy or dropping out of school? What percentage of the fathers of these problem children had problems similar to those of the child? What percentage of these kids lived below the poverty level? You see, if you alter the sample set, you can make statistics dance.

How about some more statistics. 85% of men that abuse their spouses, were raised in a house where the father abused the mother. In Charlotte last year, 1 in 6 pregnant women was abused by the father of their unborn child.

Yes, we have a parenting problem in this country, but it is my belief that the vast majority of the time, the problem is because of the male, not the female. Sure, there are exceptions, but they are just that, exceptions. One good parent, beats two bad ones every time. I have dated a lot of single moms over the last 10 years. In almost every case, the kids were better off after the divorce than they were before it.

Hang in there Katz & Cutie. Not all men are jerks. Some of us are actually worth having around.

Oh I am supposed to feel bad about going to school,T-Bar? I don't feel bad about going to school while my children are in school. I lost my job this past year. I am making the best out of a bad situation. Thank god not all men are like you. When you grow up and get married will you be able to provide for your family so that your wife can stay home? Doubt it.

FLEX, I LOVE YOU!!

Actually I did do that. And yes if you were actually thinking of your children you would wait until they are grown and then go to school. You know darn well that you could get a job while they are in school.

Not picking sides, but reading T-bar's lengthy post... I must say I agree with what he said. Katz, I'm not sure if your teen is a guy or girl... (and it's 10:41am, and I haven't slept because of homework.. so I'm too lazy to go check now... so bare with me here..) but if it's a son, then instead of thinking back when you were a teenager, perhaps you should take the advice from some of the guys here... because we can relate. Pre-teens male or female doesn't matter.. they're all in the same ballpark. Girls got barbie, guys got GI Joe.. .it doesn't change much. When they hit their teenage years, big changes happen. And if your son doesn't have a male rolemodel in the home to relate to, you can expect him to have some hostility towards you. Who can he have 'guy' conversations with? Yes, I know you would like to be that superparent that your son can talk to like his best friend... but there's always going to be an akward moment... kinda like talking to your father as a teenager about girl-things. It's just akward.

Being a single parent is a difficult task, if you are in school.. all the power to you. I hope you chose your school hours so they are at the same time as your son being in school, not evening classes.

This is a crucial time in your sons life where he is identifying with an adult figure and learning about himself, figuring out who he is. You should be there so he clings on you when his problems do happen---and they happen to every kid growing up, manifested differently for each individual.. it's part of growing up. And yes, he will yell... push you away, and stay in secrecy from you for a while.. because, well.. you are mom. And you said it yourself, parents (including moms) aren't cool for teenagers. Trying to be a cool mom just makes it worse. What does work is being there.. so when he does need someone, you are there. Make him dinner, and if he ever tells you not to clean up his room, or something of that nature... listen to him, because 'pushing' your way into his life won't work. When he needs you, he will come for you.. if you're not there, then he will find someone else... and as a teen, most likely a girlfriend who he will confide in, and you won't know much about.

Obviously, I can only speak for guys... and realistically, only on my own behalf. I can only speculate what it's like to raise a girl, and as a teen... (if your teen is a girl..). But unfortunately I've never had any sisters, so anything I say would be theoretical... and right now, you don't need theories or statistics.. you need the dead honest truth. Don't put down T-bar.. if I'm not mistaken, he is a now single parent as well... and he has been through his share of family related pains as well. He is trying to advise you, as am I. To you, we're just a bunch of words on the internet... it's difficult to take advice from strangers, I know. And ultimately, it's up to you... you can read what we say, and argue back.. or simply dismiss it and move on. Or you can read it a second time, and figure out how or if it applies in your life, or how you can apply our knowledge in your life. Our intentions are good, remember that.

Good luck,

NC

Originally posted by flexinnc

Hang in there Katz & Cutie. Not all men are jerks. Some of us are actually worth having around.
\\

Thanks FlexinNC and yes I know there are one or two of you out there that are worth all the trouble

Some kids just end up growing up w/ a bad role model...and end up just like them.....my only hope is to stop the cycle and hopefully it's not too late

T-Bar you have some serious issues. Tell your Doc to increase the dosage it's not working!

Originally posted by Katz
T-Bar you have some serious issues. Tell your Doc to increase the dosage it's not working!

LOL

Ah yes, when logic fails - attack. I know you're in a tough spot, and you sure don't have to agree with me or anyone no matter how much proof there is to support what they have to say.

How's this, you're doing great. Keep up the good work. As long as you are happy then your kid will be happy too!

Katz, hang in there sweetheart...just know one thing. More than likely its just a part of growing up as a teenage guy (vs some bizaare condition). I can remember (like it was yesterday) fussing with my mom about the most elementary things. Eight years later I found out what it means to love my mother dearly. Things have happened in that time spand to truely show me what my mom have given me over my life time...She has taken me back and forth to school when I was a kid, was with me when I failed my driving test at 15, was there when I went on my first highschool prom, and loves me for who I am. I'm truely blessed to have a mother and father that care for me like they do. Just hang in there and in all seriousness click the PM if you need to chat! Congrats on making the decision to make something of your life while raising your children...I can only imagine the strain your putting yourself through...be strong...

Originally posted by T-Bar
Ah yes, when logic fails - attack. I know you're in a tough spot, and you sure don't have to agree with me or anyone no matter how much proof there is to support what they have to say.

How's this, you're doing great. Keep up the good work. As long as you are happy then your kid will be happy too!

seems a bit sarcastic don't ya think t-bar???? Don't really know if you know her or not but chances are she isn't looking for such a brut answer.....prolly isn't looking for a sugar coated one either....FWIW...carry on..